Wrekehavoc is having the tough talks with her preteen daughter about body image, cheerleaders, and competition. I do not envy her and dread the day when I'm the mom in that scenario.
I said this in a comment on her blog, but I want to be sure to remember it for future reference:
One of the most comforting things my mother ever said to me (because these are conversations mothers and daughters have had since the beginning of time, eh?) was that those girls who are concerned primarily with hair ribbons and cheerleading will go on to lead very, very dull lives, and probably never leave the hometowns that have been so comfortable to them. They will do all their dating in high school with boring high school boys and probably be married shortly after graduating. The smart ones, the outsiders, the dorks (and you know I’m talking about myself here — TOTAL dork) will travel and write and create and form friendships and experience love and a life that is richly varied and beautiful.
Totally sappy, but on the whole totally true.
I wonder if that will reassure my kids, the idea that comfort is the enemy of progress. That's Marxism, right? Yeah, I get all my best parenting tips from the commies.
14 comments:
I think its the best advice ever and have no doubt that your kids will find comfort in your honesty!
I thought it went, "The enemy of life is the middle class, and the enemy of art is middle age." Or something like that.
Excellent advice. And totally adorable picture. I miss you!
Can I steal that?
totally meant so much to me.
::hugs::
hoping by the time thea hits that age, this entire issue has changed into a conversation about appreciating our differences... a conversation i've been wishing would emerge for years.
I remember when one of the mother's at my daughters' school was telling me about how much money she was spending on her 9 year old daughter's make up.
"I am keeping it down to basics because she is so young," she told me in a breathy voice. "Just a little foundation to smooth out the skin tones with a quick lick of mascara because the sun bleaches the eyelashes so, a dab of one of the lighter blue eyeshadows to highlight the eyes, a bit of blush and lipgloss or a light shade of lipstick in the pastel pinks or oranges. Absolutely no eyebrow pencil or any fancy face gels. She has to be ready."
"Ummm," I replied, truly mystified, "ready for what?" (I thought her daughter looked like a tiny little prostitute wannabe and thought she was playing dressup and hadn't bothered to wash her face afterwards. I hadn't realized this was everyday drill - don't leave the house without your make up on.)
"Dating!" said the mother in the same tones you would use tell someone the Queen was coming to tea tomorrow.
The father acted like I had been burped out of a whale and landed on his doorstep with my obviously unprepared-for-puberty kids and went to great lengths to tell me how I was dirt without a husband.
Does anybody have a clue what a parent can do to prepare a child for puberty because I still don't?
I know there is a lot of "self respect" which I figure is something like, "I value and respect you and you should value and respect you."
I will say from the standpoint of grandmahood that I tried to provide my children with what I missed most in my childhood and it wasn't until much later I realized I should have tried to provide to my children what they needed rather than what I missed. Still, I think my kids are doing better with their dependents than I did...but what do I know.
a quick thought on parenting from a (thus far) nonparent:
masturbation is A-OK!
This totally hits home for me -- being the mom of a 12-and-a-half-year old daughter who will be in 8th grade this year (yikes!). I was always the dork, and so it's hard seeing her struggle with all those issues I never quite figured out myself. Great advice, and similar to what I've tried to impart to her -- but you've put it so succinctly . . .
And ya' know, when those commies are right, they're right! Ha!
As a dork myself, I TOTALLY agree with you. But I find myself smiling and nodding and trying not to be too sarcastic of the "princess" worship that seems to be running rampant through the 4-year old set...forget cheerleaders, what's really omnipresent is Disney.
Your mother is very wise and very right.
Crystal (fellow dork)
My daughter (7) already struggles with and worries about fitting in. We are trying to teach her the concept of being a Quality Girl. I'm not talking prairie dresses and long braids down the back, but rather that she should take pride in herself and try to be the best girl she can be. I am terrified, simply terrified of having a teenage daughter. We are trying to keep her a little girl as long as we can. We don't stifle her growth (yesterday she told me she was too big for princesses and would rather put up her posters of Martin Luther King Jr.), but we don't encourage her to act older than she is. Sometimes I think that we push kids to grow up too fast. If you are wearing make-up at 7 and dating at 13, what will be left at 17 or 18? It is enough to frighten a parent half out of her skin.
PS-We also teach our son to be a Quality Boy. Equal standards and expectations.
I love you girl. Yr as always-- amazing. xo
Man, I guess I should accept that, yes, I really will have to relive 5th grade.
Sage words, mama.
Having just been to my high school reunion, I can honestly say you & your mom are right-on. So true!
I also found it comforting to read comments from readers on Kyle Cassidy's blog post on "What letter would you write to your younger self" -- my favorite comments are posted here:
http://tinyurl.com/5dfbl9
Those that grow up to create and forge out are the happier ones today.
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