GUEST POST: Take this $%#@! job and shove it [cat sitting]

Have you ever had a rant that you really, really wanted to write on your blog, but you couldn't because the person it is about reads your blog? Steve at The Hygiene Chronicles has hosted guest posts a time or two, the most memorable one being from a friend who had recently had a medical procedure and the resulting ickiness.

And now one of my blog friends needs a home for a cranky post. I'm happy to help out, especially since the subject is relevant to thoughts floating around in my head. I've been on a year-long campaign to get my husband to agree to getting a cat. His reluctance, which is not unreasonable, stems from the fact that he's always the one who ends up changing the litter box.

Anyway, enough about me! On with the guest post.

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My rant, now on Craigslist:

Last time I effing do this.

So I'm doing a favor for a friend's friend's friend and will be feeding their cats while they go on vacation. Somehow I forgot that this included scooping feces. I know what goes in must come out but we're extraordinarily lucky and only need to scoop our own cat box once a week so somehow I neglected to imagine this as a part of the responsibilities when I said yes.

"So here are the two litter boxes. Drag these over to the toilets and empty the litter right there."

I have to touch them? The scoop is bad enough. Heave them awkwardly out of the closet and across the floor through multiple narrow doorways as they swing and bang into my legs, spilling litter on the way? Hmmm... not so sure about this.

"Now one of the cats doesn't like the litter box. He goes on the floor next to the toilet. So we'll just leave you paper towels and here's where we keep the spray cleaner."

(Nodding while hatching escape plan.) I have to clean crap off the floor? THEY clean crap off the floor? Who puts up with this? Hello? There are shelters for this kind of animal. When the ratio of ass care outweighs the endorphin release, it's bye-bye.

"And here's where you give them treats. They take their treats right here, on these little toy platforms. Four of these and eight of these. Every day."

They freaking *measure* out their treats?? Twelve a day? Plus the heaping bowls of food? No wonder both cats are fat as fuck.

"And the water bowl upstairs! There's a bowl upstairs and a bowl downstairs but make sure both are full. The one upstairs seems to dry up more quickly so check it often."

Um, you're making life more difficult than it needs to be. Cats will drink wherever the water is. Why do people cater to their cats like this?

"Oh! And we like to fill the tub up with food, just in case there's an emergency. So this upstairs tub will be filled. Our last petsitter thought we didn't trust her but it wasn't that, we just like to play it safe. Oh we're so glad you understand."

Wha-? Were you saying something? Look, I checked out 20 minutes ago. I'm just nodding to get you to hurry the frak up so I can get home and write about this. Do what you want but don't expect me to deal with your subsequent insect (and rodent, since the cats are too fat to hunt) infestation.

"And can you play with them?"

That's about the only thing I was hoping to do, actually. At least until one of them just scratched the hell outta my hand.

"And! Please text us every day. Let us know how they are doing!"

Oh god. I am going to hang myself now. You just spent 49 minutes telling me how to take care of your cats while you're away for 6 days. If it takes that long to detail their care plan, you're doing TOO FREAKING MUCH! They're cats. Feed, water, play. Enough!!

So, anyone want a catsitting job?